We all have that little secret we keep. A chain of clandestine thoughts, memories, information we don’t easily divulge to anyone else. There are some exceptions though. Often-times we share them to exclusive people we know well to trust; perhaps close friends and even family. The point is every secret has to surface somewhere, somehow. Everybody needs an outlet. A medium to express it to or through. Want to know a little secret? Make sure you can keep one first!
It is now my second year after pursuing the entrepreneurial life I so desire to live by. Oh how time truly pass so fast. Tell you, those years were all blood, sweat and tears for me. I was completely under the illusion that taking the path of entrepreneurship would be a walk in the park. I have never been so wrong.
The struggles. The pain. The people I lost. People I thought I could count on now gone and I am left all alone again in my own lonely world. The rejection. The sacrifice. The bitter-sweet life I got disillusioned by my fantasies of the great life brought by walking down the entrepreneur’s path.
Ah… the act of self-pity… is simply fallacy…
I am personally amazed at how I no longer drown myself with my own self-pity thoughts. Amazed at my own personal growth.
If there’s one thing I have learned about being an entrepreneur is that we have no room for self-pity and down-trodden miserable self-doubt. It is either that you’re in or you’re out, take it or leave it, no pain no gain drivel.
Every action bears an equal amount of reaction. Sir Isaac Newton’s third law of physics. For every closed door there is a better opened opportunity out there. All you need to do is to simply grab it!
That means, amidst the struggles, rejections and pain… being an entrepreneur has its perks… and I mean A LOT!
We cheer up when we FAIL… coz we’re only taking our “First Attempt In Learning…”
When everything seems to END… always remember “Effort Never Dies!”
When someone says NO… bear in mind that they’re only opening “New Opportunities” for us…
And when someone or something STOPs us… take a “Short Time Of Prayer” to “Stay Tough Over Problems” and to “Sit Think Observe & Plan” for a better “Solution, Tactic, Or Process”
That’s why we entreps are badass! Coz we were born to lead! except that… “Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men–the other 999 follow women.” Groucho Marx
PS – I’ve got more coming your way so stay tune! Chow!
“All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy” has always been part of my daily mantra ever since. My passion to stay engaged in doing things and keeping myself busy overwhelms my sense of balance and personal discipline. This mantra however, impacts me at a whole personal level. I mean… I am also called Johnny by my colleagues… duh? hehe Just kidding!
Anyhow, most people actually think that learning to be an entrepreneur requires a whole lot of rigid training and studying. I personally think otherwise. It all boils down to what we engage ourselves into and believe me, the games we play indeed help mold the minds of great entrepreneurs as well.
I will be recommending my top picks of games that helped mold me to what I am today. This of course is accompanied with some rationale on how it did affect my way of thinking, decision making and attitude towards life.
1. ROME TOTAL WAR
Although the Total War series of games will definitely fit perfectly, Rome Total War was the game that developed my strategic thinking, micro to macro scale governance, technology and economy management the most. First, this game involves faction management at a macro scale, where you could conquer cities, manage diplomacy and impose upscale strategies in a global perspective in-game. Then there is this battlefield perspective where you impose quick decision making on how to outwit and outmaneuver the opposing faction on the battle field.
Each time I play this game, I tend to apply my personal “economy-first” idea where you build your wealth before getting all aggressive. It would be fine, however, I tend to be more defensive around my comfort zone than making a move. This game taught me otherwise due to the fact that staying “economy-first” involves a certain ounce of aggressiveness while keeping on the defensive stance of calculating risks. This means that in order to expand economically, it is important to play as the aggressor to grab strategic economic zones or industries if we’re looking at it in a business perspective.
There is no better game to apply Sun Tzu’s Art of War principles other than this game; or this franchise rather. Knowing that the Art of War principles do apply in business warfare as well, it is fairly important to master these principles through this great game while having fun.
2. World of Warcraft (WOW)
Ah! The famous World of Warcraft! Although I haven’t played the retail version of this game (the cheap-ass that I am), I have played this game on private servers. Well… Where do I start? Amidst the beautiful scenic views of the game. The nostalgic sense of surrealism and fantasy that engulfs your inner soul. The off-world experience that engages players. What could I say? It is a beautiful game!
Imagine being inside the movie avatar while fighting demons, monsters and different players. Yeah! That’s what it is!
Okay, so enough of me endorsing the game (Blizzard should pay me for this!). Let’s get back to business!
Playing this game developed my attitude of “studying the system” and using leverage to gain an advantage. What I did here was I learned how to gain wealth the easy way, how to manipulate the market and how to manage people. Believe me or not I also developed my leadership skills through this game (being assistant guild master and all). I realized how hardworking I was when I never missed a raid, a PVP(player-versus-player) schedule, a battlefield instance, omg! that was how addicted I was! As a matter in fact, I did organize dungeon raids and faction offensives (raiding Alliance cities and killing those poor bastards). Despite developing my leadership and organizational skills here, leadership is nothing if you don’t have a clear directive. In game, your directives are determined when you know the system fairly well to the point where you can use it to your advantage. I am specifically referring to the Market System in the game. Whenever you go on dungeon raids or even PVP warzones, you gain certain credit rewards. These credits can be used to buy certain items which you can craft with and sell for a better price. Now the market manipulation here happens during the selling part.
In WOW, they have what we call an “Auction-house.” This is a place where people trade items. Now the problem with this is the fact that a lot of other players could be selling exactly the same item you may be selling. What this situation develops is the idea of winning a valuable amount of market-share through a price-war. So when selling an item, you can sell it quicker at a lesser price than your competitors. When competitors see you selling at a lower price, they cut their prices to stay competitive. This is what you call “Market Manipulation.” You are in control of the market. A great place to understand the concept of supply and demand.
Okay John! This is sooo marketing related? Where else can you apply this to? You fellas need not look far! This is so applicable in the stock market or even in forex trading. Understanding the stock market was a fair breeze for me after playing this game.
Note: Any other Massive Multiplayer Online (MMO) games may fit the job description but WOW definitely made the impact on me.
*grins* I’ll be very biased on this coz I grew up with Starcraft. For almost 20 years have I been playing this game and to be honest, this is where I learned to cheat my way out of tight situations. Hahaha
That was then, ah those glorious Starcraft 1 days! Now that we have Starcraft 2 out, I apply my “cheating” methods on a different limelight now. So instead of typing cheats like “show me the money(instant wealth)” or “power overwhelming(god mode),” I learned to be cunning and devious when approaching situations.
I learned how to keep the odds always on my favor. Take for example in the corporate ladder. The best person to please the most is your boss to keep things in your favor in the office. In school, the person you have to please the most would be your teacher coz they hold you by the neck through your grades. In business, the person you’ll have to please the most are your customers coz the bring you the money and the market. Most people call this “cheating” or “ass-kissing,” but I defer on that claim.
Sun Tzu once said, “The best victory is won by not even having to get into conflict.” So that’s that!
This game also amplifies my development in micro-scale management, strategic flexibility and quick-wit approach on situations. During multiplayer games, one strategy never applies for all scenarios. You are responsible for poising yourself to gain an advantage against the opponent’s unit chemistry. Building the right unit chemistry for your army is crucial to winning the game. In application, building a team with the right set of people who’s got skillsets needed to get the job done is important to win in business.
Note that any strategy game again fits the job description.
4. Call of Duty Modern Warfare & Ghosts
Guns blazing, huge explosions, the jam-pack action you get! I’ve always been a sucker for it! hahaha
Actually any first person shooter (FPS) game would be recommended. It’s just that I am a Call of Duty (COD) fanboy so… haters gonna hate! 😛
What would this game be doing here you ask? Well simple! Fast-paced action is the answer! What most first person shooter games do to a person is increase their reaction time to dire situations. In these games, you are often expected to act without even thinking first which all boils down to muscle memory. Reality could bite you in the ass knowing that life moves so fast and we need to cope with changing events. Moving into action quick may mean the difference between success and failure, victory and defeat. In management, there will be times when you are asked to decide on the spot without having time to think things through. The best thing to do is to practice and understand the value of quick thinking and reaction and there’s no better way to do it than playing FPS games (and sports tehe -.-).
What gets COD standing out on my list is the awesome memory and feel I had when playing the game. Both the story and the experience were great for me. Plus I’m a gun enthusiast! So what the hell? hahaha
5. Defense of the Ancients (DOTA)
The infamous DOTA. There are a lot of variations of this game but this one… oho… this one’s stained some memories on me.
This game requires a lot of team effort to win and that’s what gives it away. The teamwork attitude you get when playing the game. I had a boss once who requires us to play DOTA with him after working hours. He did tell us that DOTA is a great game for team building. We get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and we learn how to cover each others’ asses (that doesn’t sound right… oh well).
In life, we can’t do everything ourselves. We will always need people to back us up and compliment our weakness to ensure success and victory. A solid, effective fighting (competitive) force or team no matter how small can make a huge impact on a disorganized company or army. Team effectiveness is key to achieving organizational goals and requirements especially in business!
I’m not much of a fan of DOTA though so I don’t play it often (typically introvert me). I only played it to develop that teamwork attitude I need.
6. Assassin’s Creed Franchise
Sir Winston Churchill once said “History is written by the victors,” and I couldn’t agree more. History is written by the success of those who came before thus it takes an important toll for entrepreneurs to know their predecessors.
Formalities aside… I just really love history and parkour… so deal with it! hahaha
History is written by successful organizations or people who made a dent, even pioneering outcomes in their lifetime. Understanding how they think and lived help entrepreneurs gain their bearings when the going gets tough.
As for me? That’s the very essence why I love history and current events. There are people who I look up to and aspire to be like giving me a sense of direction in life. In assassin’s creed, you get to see history at a slightly fictional universe but with a lot of truth in it. You get to meet great people of those eras such as Napoleon, Mr Washington, Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, The Borgias, etc.
Now what’s their importance in business? They were significant in their time for a reason. Even West Point military courses require students to study history a lot and for a very good reason. A general/leader who doesn’t study history is bound to repeat exactly the same mistake again. Thus the saying “History repeats itself.” That’s why it’s important to learn from the past to improve for the future. So instead of taking history classes, why don’t you play it? hahaha
Despite that, the game is a time capsule that allows you to experience the beautiful scenes and lifestyle of people during those eras. Great game!
7. Cash Flow Series
Now finally, the game that brought it all together. Cashflow! Now I won’t lie. I hate the graphics and the annoying rat and turtle speaking on the background. But I tell you guys, no matter how much I hate playing this game, I keep insisting myself to play it until I loved it.
Why? Take a look at the picture above… There is no other game out there that screams out loud saying “This is how stock market and real estate investing or financial management is like” like this game! You learn the value of being an investor, the importance of accounting and the techniques of gaining passive income for financial freedom. These games got me into investing and entrepreneurship. In reality, this game changed the way I see life and gave me a direction to pursue. As I currently breathe. As I currently speak. As I currently live my life. I live it as if I am playing this game with one goal in mind; Financial Freedom. It is the idea where you wouldn’t have to work for money anymore and that money works for you.
That is what truly defines the wealthy from the middle class and the poor.
And surely who wouldn’t want to be wealthy? That’s the reason why we stepped into entrepreneurship in the first place right?
My rationale for having financial freedom as a goal is simple. Currently as we speak, I’m stuck with work and business. I don’t have much time for family, church and even myself. I definitely want that to change. Perhaps a few years later, I may not need to work anymore to focus on things that matters more in life than just work. Things like God, Family, Friends, whoever that lady is in the future and even myself.
Anyhow, I guess that’s that!
So the next time somebody tells you you won’t learn anything just by playing games, get up, sweep some dust off your shoulders and walk away like a boss coz that person absolutely doesn’t have a clue on what they’re missing out on.
Just don’t abuse gaming alright? hahaha See yah!
Have you tried looking down at the city during night? How does the city lights make you feel? Emotional? Sentimental? Serene? That belittling feeling you get from the scenic view. The realization of the simple beauties we’re so fortunate to experience. Alas! a humbling experience followed by an overwhelming sense of satisfaction; peace.
Now that I’ve got your attention through all those sentimental crap I just said earlier, lemme give you guys a piece of advice; NEVER SPIT INTO THE WIND! Trust me! I’ve tried it and it definitely sucks! I got to swallow my own spit doing it! *gulp* (hears people say eeeeewwwwww) whatever!
Anyways… so… hmm… anyhow… uhmm… mmmmm… damn! Where was I?! What was I gonna write about again? *scratches head*
Here comes those times again when you know you wanna write about something but totally forgot the topic. Do you guys wish we could use usbs to store our memories? Upload and download files into our heads? I’d want that! It’d be awesome! No forgetting… Instant Genius! Like Elysium! Awesome movie guys! You gotta watch it! 🙂
I mean think of the possibilities! Look… Imagine person A is soooo freakin retarded and dumb. But after uploading the whole internet into his head, he becomes the sexiest beast alive. And when I say beast I mean literally… a MONKEY!
Hahahahahahaha*cough cough*hahahahaha*cough*hahahaha*cough cough cough*
What?! Still expecting to read something intellectual from this huh? oh yeah? you want something smart? huh?
Here… I’ll say something smart!
here it goes… *clears throat*
Happy now? Okay… I guess that was a little random…
What I really wanted to talk about is nothing. You get it? Nothingness? I mean look at the people around you. Everybody’s busy with something. Working to earn a living. Studying to get good grades.
Those times you see couples in parks, so sweet so romantic. The moment you see someone win a sports competition. Everybody has their hands full.
Even we get ourselves busy with something. We’re always doing something and we’re never spared from this “busy” trend. However have you ever stopped to consider having nothing? You completely thought of nothing? No worries? No trouble?
A midst our busy society, it’s always best to take the time out and simply give ourselves a good break. It’s a good reward for those who toil. Doesn’t have to be expensive. Just take yourself into a nice quiet solemn place and enjoy the silence (I enjoy my quiet time in the toilet).
Some call it praying, others call it reflecting, others call it meditation. Well whatever it is called, we all need one!
Imagine how great you’d feel after a good rest? Imagine yourself at peace? aaaaahhhh… 🙂
There was a time in my own life when I experienced a place full of magic (World of Warcraft, Nah just kidding…). I had this favorite place where I usually hangout in especially when I’m alone. It’s a place overlooking the city.
It’s my sweet escape. My paradise. I loved going there at night. Especially when the lights are bright and the mood is right. I remember lying down on the smooth soft grass that night staring at the beautiful dark sky. I saw lights! Lights everywhere! Lights from the heavens! Lights from the city! Beautiful lights!
It felt good. Peaceful. Serene. That moment of silence you get to be alone. That time of solitary confinement when you cut yourself out of the world. Priceless! Imagine being in such a lovely place. It was euphoric beyond compare!
It’s during times like this that I couldn’t help but thank God for giving me a way out of all these troubles I got myself into. Not that I’m running away from them or anything. It’s just that I’m blessed with that perfect time of peace.
I heard running water… It was flowing somewhere… I have no idea… but the more I listened the more I drowned into oblivion. I lost myself in the surreal reality of this magical place.
As I opened my eyes, I saw the ceiling. I was back in my room. I got up and prepared myself for work…
Credits go to the rightful owners of the images used in this write-up. All images used are intended to portray the scenes described in the write-up and are for entertainment purposes only.
PS: I made my own mix for Ellie Goulding’s Lights… Hope you guys love it! 😀
Life… no body can teach you how to live it. Sometimes, you just have to figure things out on your own. And as I constantly struggle to battle the inner demons within me, things just had to get worse. Edward’s the lost soul now… No wonder I hate it when people call me Edward.
Things aren’t going easy for John. Sleepless nights, breathless days and the feeling of being punched right through the gut gets the best of him. It’s torture in all aspects of the universe. Lost some of his friends, his girl, and hopefully not his life. The strong urge of getting himself killed always gets to him. Thank heavens he gets himself busy and occupied to do things. Yet either ways… things don’t seem to help.
“Why does it still hurt?” he asks…
“I’m happy to know that she’s happy… but if I really am… the why do I feel being crunched up inside.”
“It’s all in the mind” I told him, “It’s all in your thoughts”
Yet despite the futile attempt to comfort the saddened young man, I can see what’s going on in him. He sweats heavily, you could hear his chest pounding when you’re near him, you can really tell that he’s broken.
If there’s any way I could help this young man I would… But what is the cure? Love? Where the hell could I get that? He doesn’t seem to want to get a new girl right now. Nor does he intend on making out with another babe. Yet somehow, I have to agree with him. Doing those things will only hurt him more.
The dissatisfaction he had with his past relationship, the hurts and pains, may only be passed on to the new girl. It wouldn’t be fair for her.
There’s only two ways to fix these sort of problems though.
1 is to get back with his ex and get things fixed together.
– it helps create a stronger relationship between them. To get them to know each other even better and to help each other grow.
2 is to heal themselves individually
– this is the most practical way to approach things. For both of them to heal as individuals. Healing is one way of rejuvenating the spirit. Whenever they’re both ready, they could both fall in love with each other again, or simply find new love with at least knowing that they now have something to give to the next person.
Either ways, I’m still trying to find the best solution to make John feel better. He was suffering this year which totally affected everyone around him and yet this one came. It only devastated him all the more.
“John… How can I help you mend?” I earnestly ask…
“I just wish to have things better for the both of us.” He said
Now I know he sounds pretty pathetic no matter how you see it. Yet I totally understand how he feels. The fact alone that he was the one who was at the breaking end of the break up. He received the punch to the gut and believe me, it isn’t a pretty feeling to be there. This will really take time for him to get over things even if he tries to divert his mind off these…
But if you were to ask me. This guy’s going psycho. That’s why I wish to help him anyway I can. There’s still the “good guy John” inside him waiting to come out. It’s only a matter of tapping the right buttons to let him be that guy again.
“I feel guilty… I feel like I have wronged her so much…” He says.
“Well John, have you asked for her forgiveness?”
“Yes I tried… But she seems to be bitter towards me…”
“Then you did your part well… You admitted your own mistake and now know what to fix in your life.”
“But it feels really bad to have someone bitter towards you…”
“That my friend, is up to her if she could forgive you. As long as you know you were wrong, and that you’re willing to challenge yourself to become Mister Right again. You are on the right track. Women need time to heal.”
“But she says that she’s okay now.”
“Being bitter towards someone is never okay. It leads to ignoring and cutting communication from you and that only means that she still isn’t ready to forgive you. You stood up doing the right thing and apologizing and I believe that is enough.”
“I still love her you know…”
“We all love each other my friend… but you’ll have to learn to love yourself first and to embody that love to others who may need it as well. Your remaining friends, family and everybody around you. They need it man. Trust me.”
“Trying is the least for of commitment my friend, learn to say the words whatever it takes. It means never giving up until you get what you vowed for.”
“Cyra is a chapter in your life man… She’s the angel you thought you had until you lost her. I know it sucks with utmost shittyness… But that’s how it rolls brother. You’ve lost yourself and I believe all she wanted is for you to find yourself again. Be the great guy you once were John. She’s not the the end but the beginning of a better you. Don’t forget to thank her along the way. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, when someone throws rocks or dirt at you, you give back bread. Stay in the right. Man up and take up the golden sword this time around”
The young man then nodded in approval. Somehow I saw his spirit lifted up, though I know his grief still chains him to the core. Yet some day… I know all these will pass and he’ll be the great man I once knew. Right now he may try to fake things. To cover up whatever it is he hides. But later on… things will rise to the surface, and that’s something I’ve learned through his experience.
I wish to encourage the young man to be honest with what he feels rather than worry about being how pathetic he sounds. If it helps heal him. Then I don’t give a damn about it.
And so she said goodbye… the phone went silent… and I was left alone in my dark room again. The cold night embraced me with its freezing arms as I tried to slumber away to my dreams. The thought of not seeing her, the thought of my own faults and guilt haunts me and I can’t sleep, unable to forgive myself for the pain I have brought upon her. It is gonna be a long long week…
“Good morning!” I greeted her through a text that Sunday morning. There was no reply. I didn’t bother though coz I knew she may be still in bed resting. “Was I just too stubborn for her? For wanting to see her yesterday?” I thought to myself. Things were getting pretty tough for me the past week. I just wanted my life to end back then. I felt like I’ve got no purpose, no life, no soul.
I didn’t want to think of it. It’ll set me out of focus. Hurt me. Kill me inside. Besides, I was going to church that morning. I needed to be in tip-top shape for the Lord. To be spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically present for Him. It was the only thing I could offer right now.
The youth fellowship gathering followed after the service. Our youth leader who happens to be one of my good friends now noticed my exhausted look and approached me. She was about my height with heels, about a year older than me, round brown eyes, straight dark brown hair and sleek poise. “Hey Edd! Why so gloomy?” She asked
“Hey Apple…” I replied sounding like the annoying orange… well I did sound more like the gloomy orange than the annoying one. Then I continued… “Well… remember when I told you about her?”
“Yeah?” she replied with concern… A praise marathon was held last Friday and she was the one who invite me in it. I went along just to take my mind off of things and so I told her along with another girl named Hannah all my hurts. Besides, she insisted that I tell her anyway…
“Well… It’s about that girl that I care about… ” I gave it a sigh then continued. “I tried to meet her yesterday to talk to her about how to go on peaceful terms between the both of us where I wouldn’t have to annoy her much and where I wouldn’t be hurting anymore.”
And so I went on explaining what happened…
It was Saturday and Cyra was at school for her thesis defense. I asked her to tell me if she was done so I may fetch her after school. It was because I wanted to talk to her about what I had in mind. To make it easy for the both of us at least. With all the fuzz that’s going on between us, I knew it was right to settle things right. Her class ended, and so I left home to fetch her. I came to school and waited for her outside.
I’m outside school… Be waiting for ya 🙂
My phone’s text alert suddenly beeped as my phone vibrated inside my pocket.
We left already Edd… Sorry… 😦
It struck me. So I called…
The phone rang… a few long ringing over the line felt like forever. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, my head ached. I was going through so much to think straight but I gave her my word.
“Hello?” a sweet angelic voice answered over the other line.
I felt euphoric for a couple of minutes. My heart beat raised. I felt soft. Melted. Serene.
I was speechless for a while there. Then I replied. “Hi! were are you guys? I thought I’ll be fetching you?”
“We’re headed to Ayala now, Kev’s gonna drop us off there.”
“Alright, I’ll go to Ayala to meet up with you. See yah and Take care!”
I sensed her hesitance for me to come. But I was determined. I wanted to speak with her. To talk to her. At least to spend just a few moments of time with her. So I went on my way to Ayala.
As I came to the Mall. My friend Kevin sent me a text message
Edd… I dropped them off in Ayala Mall now…
I replied to thank him. Then I text Cyra where she was by then. She said they were in Gerry’s Grill. And so I went.
I knew I was gonna get a sucker punch through the heart if I went on but I didn’t mind. I wanted to see her so badly, and to make things right. To tell her what I had in mind but then when we met. She was with my two other pals eating dinner. I was hesitant to approach but I was there anyway and so I went on. What else could I possibly do? I couldn’t turn back! No! I wanted to see her so badly at least to talk to her. So I approached.
“Hi” I said with an awkward hand wave
“I thought you went on home?” she replied she stood up and guided me to a corner for us to talk.
“So what is it you wanted to talk about?”
I saw that she was enjoying her time with friends and my intervention was pestering her. My head ached, I was sweating, my eyes were heavy, my tears were about to fall but I held it all in.
“It’s nothing… I want to talk to you about it if you have the time.”
“Alright… so… where’ll you go now?”
I don’t know what went into my mind…
I just said “Probably be on my way home…”
and so she went back to her friends and left me in tears. I wanted to talk to her. What are you doing stupid?! Text Her! But… Text Her!!!
and so I sent a text. Cy… I really wish to take you home… Please let me? I’ll wait…
Though it felt like silence to my ears… I could hear nothing but the pounding of my heart and the blood rushing to my head. The tear drops that fell from my eyes that night were somewhat audible to me. Those little details was all I could hear that night.
Then my phone beeped.
I’m sorry Edd… I wish to be alone right now… I hope you understand…
Alright Cyra… I understand… Anything for you…
I slid my phone back to my pocket as I went on crying. It’s not likely for men to cry, but I didn’t care if I looked ridiculous. It felt better inside. But the hurt was eating me alive. It was burning me. I felt cold and dead. Alone and afraid.
I took my phone out… and text her.
I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you ssssssssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The crushing feeling of emptiness and heart break consumed me. I lay down in the ledge of the park’s fountain breathless. People were staring at me thinking that I must have gone insane. I have! I can’t breathe. Someone offered to bring me to the hospital but I wanted to be left alone. Then suddenly, my phone rang. It was James, my classmate/office-mate.
Hey Edd, RR’s celebrating his birthday today… come to moon cafe…
I wiped the tears off my cheeks and cleared my throat. I tried to regain my poise and look descent at least.
The celebration was fun at least. I remembered what Cyra told me. About enjoying my personal space for the mean time. As a matter in fact, I did that night. We went on to eat ice cream and watch a movie. And all the hurt I felt was just simply washed away in a snap. It’s really amazing how God could send angels your way especially when He knows you need it the most. Everything just lightened up and felt peaceful again. My head still hurt but my heart wasn’t pounding anymore.
As I was on my way home… I texted Cyra…
Ed… she replied.
How are you? 🙂
I’m fine. I had fun with friends earlier. How bout you? I’m sorry bout earlier by the way. I hope you understand.
I’m so glad you had fun Cyra… It really makes me happy to know that… by the way about earlier… it’s fine… I totally understand… The pain went away when you said you had fun.
It really did…
You know… I don’t wanna be mean to you or hurt you Edd… but I want us to have our own personal space. What you’re doing is pushing me away instead of winning me back.
Well Cy… That’s what I actually wanted to talk to you about… I wanted to explain things and settle things right. To be frank, you’ve said exactly the same words I wanted to tell you. You just didn’t give me the chance to.
Honestly… You were really brutal earlier… ~I texted
That’s why I’m saying sorry coz I know I was just too harsh. I was trying to call you when I got home but I couldn’t reach you.
It’s fine Cy… I totally understand. So cheer up k? 🙂 By the way… I was in the movie house earlier and I guess there was just no signal there. May I call you when I get home then?
Yes, sure! What movie did you watch by the way? Who were you with?
I felt a sense of her care… of her love. I know I’m still inside her heart somewhere. I just need to let her feel it again. Not as a painful memory, but as something that may help her mend. That’s the reason why I wanted to talk to her. To listen to her more. To let her express what she deeply feels inside. What she’s going through. We had that in our relationship before. But we lost it when we lost time for each other. Yet the bigger fault falls on me. For taking her for granted. I couldn’t forgive myself for it. I hate myself for it. But there’s no point. I’ve lost her. Self pity won’t help me this time. I’d rather focus on winning her heart back rather than staying in the shadows crying. And so I replied…
I’ll tell you everything when I get to call you later… 🙂
“Hello Cy” I uttered as I called her
“Hello Edd” She replied “I’m sorry about earlier… I hope you’d understand…”
“It’s alright Cyra… I understand… If this is the best way to show you that I love you then I’d gladly give you your personal space.”
“I don’t know how could I ever take such a beating from you Cy… I don’t know if ever other guys could do the same. I’m still holding on to you and I’m never giving up in winning your heart. I meant it when I said I love you always and I swear I still do.”
“But Cy… You said you wanted us to be friends for the time being… yet honestly I feel like trash through the way you reply to me.”
“It’s actually how I really reply to people. Probably you aren’t just used to me not being sweet to you and all. Besides, I text you if I am not busy.” she uttered.
“Well yes… but come to look at it. Whenever I text you, you usually don’t reply anymore and I always wait for your reply. It leaves me hanging whenever you don’t reply back. You could’ve at least just told me that you’ll do something, or that you’re busy or something. It would have been easier for me to understand”
“Well this is what I also wanted to talk to you about earlier Cy. Its about giving you the space you need. Why don’t we just settle for at least a day where we could just fully text and talk to each other? 🙂 And since you’re the lady… you get to pick the day. :D”
“Sunday would be great!” ~she replied in agreement.
“Alright… Sunday it is then… so for the rest of the week… you wouldn’t be hearing from me… ” i responded to seal the deal.
“Well you could always text me anytime if you need me.” she said.
“That’d be great Cy… Thank you! Please don’t hesitate to do the same if you need me too k? I’ll be here waiting on you ready to come if you need me.”
“Okay Edd… Thank you too… I will…”
We then talked that night about the movie and how things had gone that day… I was in cloud 9 that night. Hearing her voice again. Her sweet giggles. Imagining her was just heavenly for me. As her voice whispered to my ears through the phone speaker, I felt butterflies fluttering around my stomach. I felt at peace. Contented. In love. Unfortunately, time flies when you’re enjoying the moment. We had to say our good nights and good byes… I gave her an invisible kiss and I bet she doesn’t know. Then I ended by telling her that I love her still.
I lay in my bed that night with a smile and a light heart… thanking God for what a day I’ve been through… for Cyra and for knowing that…
At least the following day was a Sunday… 🙂
[to be continued]
My little love story has ended… but are the curtains really closed? Is her heart closed? will she love me again? I am in hurt but not in doubt… I know she did this for a reason… out of love…
My dearest Angel Cyra… heaven sent and blessed me with… grows prettier each day. I couldn’t imagine her more blooming and enlightened this way. Y’know… this is why I still care… this why I still love… She’s an amazing woman… The best I’ve seen. Nothing can compare to the beauty she has in my eyes.
Life must have ups and downs. Twist and turns and a lot of drivel I suppose. But it’s getting back up that counts the most. It’s rising to your feet and looking back up again to get through the day that matters. Right now my heart still burns. I’m dying inside knowing she’s no longer by my side. My little piece of heaven slowly fading away. Sometimes I pray to God to just rip these emotions apart coz it’s devastating me. Killing me inside.
It’s not easy y’know… to let someone go… especially the one you cared for so much. Sometimes I wonder if it was easy for her to let me go? Did she really mean everything she said to me? Every word? That’s the problem there… The person whom I’m asking trust from is also the person I don’t trust. Out of fear? Out of possible regret? Perhaps yes… These thoughts crossed my mind a lot. Acknowledging all these now is proof that I’ve learned with my mistakes.
I just hope I got the chance to settle it right with her. Back when we were one. Back when we had love. Back when she cared.
My insanity is getting the best of me. It’s through writing these things that helps keep me at bay. I pray that it doesn’t break me apart. I wasn’t joking when I said I’m considering suicide as an option.
But I mustn’t. It wouldn’t prove anything. If I really love her… I should show her that I still do… That she deserves me again. How? Through little sweet things perhaps… through showing that I still care. Showing that I’m growing. How long would it take? That I have no answer to. Only God has. And it’ll be answered through her. Or through something else perhaps.
A very strong woman she really is. And I admire every single bit of her personality. Her sweet talking is the most captivating moment I could remember from her. I remember how cute she looks when she wants something from me. How cuddling she could be when she surprises you. The sweetness of her kiss when she opens the gate for me whenever I visit.
Aaah… I will get there again someday. Not with anyone else but her. Please Cyra… With all my heart, Will you have me back? Will you make me the luckiest guy again? who won your heart. I’m hanging on a thread here and yes I know it hurts. Besides, love and pain are two side of the same coin. These consequences were bestowed upon me ever since the first time I thought of courting her. I knew things like these would happen. But she’s for some reason… God-given.
My refusal to believe left me to this current state I am in. I didn’t want to believe in Him. That everything was in accordance to His own accord. It was my way, my life, my decisions, my own understandings and myself that mattered to me. How have I become like this? It’s not because of her… It’s because of me… I chose to lose Him.
Nobody was there to keep things from breaking apart. Truth be told, sometimes heaven just simply wants us to watch our own lives crumble to help us rebuild again. It is through death that we live again. It is through break-ups that I can court her again. Really amazing discovery and insights there. Especially now that everything’s making sense.
Cyra does love me. She said it herself. As a friend? I think no… I’m positive I’m still alive in her heart. She’s making the biggest sacrifice to build me up again. Coz she loves me. She wants me to grow.
How I wish breaking-up didn’t have to be the answer. But sometimes pain is a good teacher. And she used it well to teach me this. And now that I’ve learned. I shall apply it in winning her heart back.
Why can’t I? I’ve got nothing to lose again. I have nothing on my hands this time around.
Cyra… my dearest Cyra… I will win your heart. I’ll be your champion. I’ll be your companion, your sir, your knight.
My chivalry died when I lost my faith. The way a crusader dies in battle without the cross. Spirituality is everything to me. Knowing that God lives is the reason I exist. Apart from Him I am nothing. OF COURSE!!! How the hell could I love her if I lost Him? It was Him who taught me to love her in the first place. That’s why everything fell apart. No one was there to keep us in tact.
You know… I’ve learned to value the limited time I have to communicate with her now. Just a few texts for a couple of minutes feels like having butterflies in my stomach all over again. Waiting for her reply makes me a puppy waiting for a chew-bone. It tickles me whenever I hear my phone’s text alert, knowing that the incoming message is from her. Its courtship all over again. Awwwe. Yes I will look my best. Yes I will woo her. Yes I’ll give her the sweetest talks I could give just to have her. Only this time, once I got her heart again, consistency’s a must now. I want her to fall in love over and over again with me and I in her. Every single day. Oh how much I loved those days when I still knew how to love her. Everyday was just like heavenly and serene to me. Amazing is it not? How one person changes your life? The realization that God is most important in my relationship opened my eyes to see what has gone wrong.
Cyra’s one of a kind type of girl. Irreplaceable. Incomparable. And boy was I mistaken when I thought she’s easy to get. She’s one hell of a catch. A rare find. Priceless. God knew how to fix me and He used her to do it.
My heart melts away knowing how much of a blessing she really is in my life. I know this next time of mine may come… and when that time comes, I know what to do. I know where to go. I know how to handle it better now.
All these reflections make me better. Wiser. A changed person. Now all I need is the proof to show her how much I could change just to win her again. Less talk more action this time. To prove to her she means a lot to me.
I remember telling her that I am more inspired when I am broken. For some reason, its just half true now. Now that I am back to Him. I find joy in every single thing I do. I find joy knowing she’s happy. I find joy in giving. I find joy in life. Sorrow, grief, anger, worries, sadness, hate, resent, rage just simply got washed away overnight. This is why I love God. After all the things I’ve said against Him. Spat at Him. Hated Him. Cursed Him. Defiled Him. He came back to save me. He got me up on my feet.
This amazing experience is something I wish to share to her. I… I just wanted so much to share such positive energy that I have to her. It’s always been that way back then. Anything I know, I did, and want to do… I share it with her. She knew me a lot. Maybe the reason this happened. I didn’t regret it.
Cyra… remember that time when I told you to tell me if I’m going out of my way? If I’m drifting apart? I understand now that this is your way of doing it. THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH DEAR! This time love… If ever I get you back… I won’t hold you back anymore… I’ll support you and cheer for you the same way you did for me… :’)
See how lucky I am? See now why she’s God-given? Why she’s irreplaceable? Why she’s amazing? Why I’ve deeply fallen for her? She’s my life partner… My best buddy… My love…
The complete package!
All the more reason why I shouldn’t give up winning her back!
I have hope… I have love… I’ll be patient… I’ll persevere…
Not on my own… Not alone…
But through the Almighty…
I love you Cyra! 🙂 Thank you! 😀
Yes… The break up finally came… And there was no stopping it… Nothing I could do to save us… To make it live.
For some reason I know it was the best for both of us, yet my heart refuses to let her go even when she’s gone.
I was the one in wrong this time, and my actions lead me to a point of no return. Is it all worth it?
In fact it was… worth every single time I’ve spent, every joy and laughter, every sorrow and pain… I grew… I learned… I realized…
But it was too late. She’s grown weary and cold for me. I even doubt if she still needs me. After all I’ve put her through. I guess I deserved it. My heart pounds so much, it burns that I can’t breathe. Oh how I wish I was given this chance to make it right again. I want to love her and her to love me back again not as friends but as sweet lovers… but how could we? We’re broken…
I pray that God heals us both. Healing needs time yet in time I also do fear that we slowly drift away. A possibility that breaks my heart more and more. I want to tell her how sorry I am. How much I would like to make her feel better. To love all her hurt away. But I am her hurts, I am her pain, her sorrow. With me around she dies. How selfish of me…
She is my little piece of heaven… and now that she’s gone… my world crumbled with it. I just thought we would last a life time… but I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t and she deserved better. If I really love her, I’ll just have to set her free. To be what she wants to be and to have what she deserves. As for me, I’m left alone in the dark again… no hope… no life… in agony… in pain… in misery… in sorrow…
With her around that all changed. I felt happier, but… through my happiness I’ve taken her for granted. I’ve neglected everything and everyone dear. No! it’s not because of my happiness that’s the reason… But of past pains and hurts. I dwelt into the past. And came back with pain. These pains affected every single one around me. ESPECIALLY HER! Now that I’ve lost everything… My band, my girl, my friends… What is there left for me then? Death? Suicide? I’m considering those an option…
Every hour feels like a day… and days feel like weeks… Weeks will turn into months and months will turn into years. By that time could she have already healed? or would she find someone else? I fear that so much, but I can’t, she’s not mine anymore.
I love her… I always have… am I gonna give up this easily?
NO!!! I WILL NOT!!!
I will win her heart back! No matter what it takes!
There are so many girls out there… So many prettier, smarter, sexy, and all. So why can’t I just let her go? Why do I refuse to say goodbye? Why can’t I sleep at night? Why am I breathless? hurting? Why do I want her so badly?
Its the words “I love you” that’s keeping me bound to her. That’s how much of a scumbag my heart is. When all my head tells me the rational reasons to let go… I still refuse. I listen to my emotions. And that… Is a bad way to make decisions.
But looking at it… It’s
not the emotion that I’m listening to but my own principles… I meant every single word when I say that and even now I still do. That’s why I’m still bound to her… even if it hurts, even if I’m in pain… I’ll continue on…
Her sweet smile… Her soft tender voice whispering the words “I love you” right next to my ears… Her sweet delicate lips to kiss… Her care… her love… her support…
How beautiful she is. How amazing of a woman she is. Remembering all those keeps me falling in love with her everyday. Even now that we’ve fallen apart. The
hurt won’t take me down… these memories will not hurt me… I will experience these things again someday… I will get there… I will win her heart again… Well I will… I will work on getting better, stronger, wiser… richer… to prove to her that I’ve done all these just for her. Just you see…
That very moment I laid eyes on her that day… The very time I bugged her from memorizing those lines… I just knew she was the one. She is the girl I am to love. I don’t know how or why? It just came to me… The first year we had together was pretty turbulent. I suffered so much heart aches and beatings from her but I still held on. Although those beatings got me worn down, I still continued on… Two beautiful years together was what followed and I felt so lucky to have a girl like her. How could I have not seen these? Why have I dwelt in memories that brought me pain?
I’m really pathetic in a way… But no! I will not fall down again! I will stand up and fight this war and I will go on to grow and get better for God and for her. I lost God along the way in our relationship. And because of that, no one was there to keep things from falling apart. It lead to this point where I lost everything. Now I have to rebuild, make amends and renew myself. This time, He should never be left out of the picture! HE should be the center! The one that binds everything together. Right now I lost everything… But I’m really good at building from scratch… So it wouldn’t be a problem. By the time I win her again… I want to bring us both closer to Him… To both fall in love… yet this time… In Him… I failed this time… But I won’t fail the next… I’ve lived and so I’ve learned.
Though now I’ve set her free… I’ve vowed that one day I’ll come back for her with a face to show… To show her I’ve grown better, stronger, wiser, sweeter than what she used to know me of. No lies pure truth. I’ll keep on going to strive better, to provide for her to create a future for both of us. Anything I could do to win her back. If she’s found someone else… I’ve got a good headstart… I got her first… And I’ll pray and pray and pray everyday for her… to keep her happy… and growing… I’ll grow spiritually mature to avoid myself from falling into my own emotions. To lead the relationship well and to keep her safe right in my arms again. I will win her again… I know that! She will love me again one day. And when that day comes… I WILL BE THE LUCKIEST GUY ON EARTH…
Learning from my mistakes now, I’ll be a better boy friend to her and hopefully a better husband. I still have hope. I still have a future. Coz I’m holding on to her… With all the love that I have… I won’t be a
loser anymore but a champion for her. Not a boy but a man for her.
Cyra…. You’ll always have me…
You’re worth fighting for…
I’ll always love you…
This goodbye’s my second chance…. THANK YOU!