Taking accountability in other words… A very strong statement to come by but not many clearly understands and practice very often. Pointing fingers and passing the blame is what most people do. Me? I would rather try, do something, fail and get laughed at than do nothing and be loved by it. Not that I claim to be the perfect example of taking accountability, but I am confident to say that I do take my share in both taking the shot and pointing fingers like everyone else.
“John, I need to speak to you.” my manager called out to me briefly while speaking to another colleague.
At the back of my head I went Oh my God?! what have I done wrong this time?
There is something about a manager calling to speak to you for something that’s really scary to come by. One, you could get reprimanded for doing something wrong or two, there is more work for you to do. I personally prefer the later part but either of the two scares the crap out of me.
It is normal though. Getting more tasks place you out of your comfort zone and into the flames. Being in the flames is where fear creeps in due to unfamiliarity and uncertainty of what is to happen next. With uncertainty in the toll, you have not a clue of what to do and you may commit mistakes for it. Those mistakes are what most people lash you with unforgiving reverie.
Left in the dark. That’s what it is!
I acknowledged her request with utmost respect and stood by her side until she was done speaking with the colleague.
“Follow me into my office.”
Oh God! I’m really gonna get it this time… I earnestly thought and whispered underneath my breath.
We walked a short distance toward her office. Oh boy does it feel like miles and miles of hike towards the asylum. Even imagined it to be a meat grinding facility.
The operations floor was fully air-conditioned but my lower back was beginning to sweat. My heart pounded like the double peddling of a heavy metal drummer. Time slowed and I saw one person with his eyes affixed on me. Felt like invisible daggers were there to stab me.
Demon! Yes that person was! Well, that’s how I saw it during that brief moment in the chronosphere I was in. Felt a bit of insult and disgust but I gotta suck it in.
If I fall today… I shall fall with my honour and dignity intact. I held my head up high facing uncertainty with utmost content, accepting my fate… whatever it may be…
“Hi John, Take a seat…” My boss uttered with a smile on her face. I have not a clue what that meant but I knew there was something underneath that smile. Something sinister. Heaven save me!
“How is the training?” she asked. Now during this time I went through an 8 week or two month up-skill training course for our current process skill-set. It was an amazing training course but a whole butt-load of information to digest and apply in a short period of time.
“I find it great Ma’am. Though I must admit, I have my lapses during my time in the training room.” I coyly replied.
“Can you tell me more about these lapses?” she replied with a curious tone.
“Well, I do admit I often can’t help dozing off in the training room.” I took in a deep breath and released a big sigh.
“You do know John that you and (insert name here) are both in the executive/leadership team now. Everybody is expecting much from you guys and have high regards on what you do and how you perform.”
She paused to look at me straight in the eyes. It felt cold and chilling. Somebody turn that air-conditioner off.
My boss stood up. I leaned back. Fear gripped me by the throat. I thought she was gonna choke me or something. She then went near the air-conditioning control panel and adjusted the temperature.
“Gosh isn’t it cold in here?” she muttered.
I couldn’t say a word. I was frozen solid. Is she reading minds now? Is she psychic? OMG! I went on a paranoia craze.
“I know you John, and I love to think I know you. You are very intelligent and are always willing to go out of your way to assist others. But you need to understand that there are situations where you just can’t assist any further due to the restriction of the authority you have over the matter. Upon looking at the results of your evaluations, are you aware that you have a 50% pass rate based on the evaluations done on your calls?”
Oh God… this is it… she’s dropping the bomb.
She looked at me disappointed. I felt it. It wasn’t rocket science to figure that out.
“It reminded me as to how it was when you got promoted. You were reprimanded often but learned quickly and now became one of the best players in the team. You explained to me that that is how you learn, to commit those mistakes and to learn from them quick. The thing is, sometimes we can’t afford those mistakes.”
I beg to disagree… I wanted to say it… but I know I shouldn’t argue or it’ll make things worse. Kiss ass man! Kiss ass! I told myself but carried on with my chain of thought while she spoke.
Mistakes are essential for learning and growth. It should be part of management’s action plan to forecast tolerable risk and faults for every new trainees on the phones especially with a new skill-set. You can’t expect everybody to apply everything all at once thus the importance of risk and fault tolerance forecasting. After-all, the fails I had were considerably minor compared to others out there. Why am I the only one getting pounded on the meat grinder?
It felt like words were being placed into her mouth by someone even more diabolic. That person I believe was the asshole behind the curb…
“There was this call you had when you gave advise to the customer… you were marked down on that. Can you explain that please…” I picked up on my boss saying that line then followed with an immediate reply.
“Ma’am, I can explain that. I know the process well and I know myself better. I was taking a call when (insert diabolic manager’s name here) and (insert colleague’s name here) were sitting right beside me. I had to place the customer on hold to get the information I need by checking on the account when suddenly both of them gave me conflicting information that got me confused. Regardless of the fact that I know the process, conflicting information may create doubts and confusion that may cause that result wherein it did.”
I remembered that manager say, “if you know the process then you wouldn’t get confused.” Couldn’t help but say at the back of my head “If it were that easy, I would love to see you take my place and I be that back-seat driver you are in right now… would love to see how stupid you’d look with that!”
Definitely felt like I wanted to strangle that guy to death!
My manager gave out a sigh but said, “I know your capabilities John, and I don’t doubt your potential one bit.”
She continued by explaining to me how it is to be done the next time around.
I listened intently even if I already knew what to do, just to show respect of course.
“Ma’am, I’ll do what I can to make sure that doesn’t happen again. But I sincerely appreciate the feedback and will take it to heart.” I humbly acknowledged.
“I believe you John… You never commit the same mistake twice.” She replied with a smile and adjourned the session.
I swear it felt like crap but I’ll take it in… My manager was right after all. As for that diabolic manager… I’ll show that bastard that I’m better than what he’ll ever be.
I left that room heavy with thought. At the rate I’m going, I gotta get this real-estate business built quick! Before I even do something stupid.
Upon leaving the operation floor, I was greeted by these two lovely ladies (colleagues of mine) who were kind enough to lend an ear. Then I told them the whole story over dinner just to let lose some steam…
A gust of wind brushed through her hair as she walked by the shore line. With the ambient sound of the waves, she heard utmost silence. Magic filled the night sky as the eve went on. Nothing could compare to that ample time of solitude. She closed her eyes, chuckled and let out a breath of whisper, “I wish you were here.”
I haven’t said much, nor do I have anything else to say. Random thoughts and words just come out to play. My feeble mind tells me things at random. I know it is somehow important to keep my thoughts intact, but I can’t seem to get my mind right and I wonder why.
Cross, yeah, that’s my name. Angel Cross it is. I’ve been wondering these city streets almost all my life now ever since I got here. I’ve seen much to the point where I could tell stories of such. Stories of life. Stories of death. Stories of joy. Stories of sorrow. Each and every person has a story to tell. Each person has their own share of grief and misery. Even happiness and excitement. I guess that’s what you call life. Beautiful, just like the city lights.
Yet if there’s one thing I’ve realized, everything you do comes back to you. Everything around us is energy. An equal amount of negative and positive. Whatever you do unto others comes back to you.
Let me guess… You’ve heard of that crap already? Golden rule? Karma?
Some say it’s true, some say it’s bullshit. I say it’s both. Because the truth can also be full of shit some times. Although that my dearest, depends on how we view things in life. Some embrace the truth, others shun it. I hold a mixture of both.
Why? You ask my love?
I prefer to see things in different perspectives. From what is good down to what went wrong. I want to hear both sides of the story. To know the truth from different points of view.
I understand your concern dear. Your care. Yet I assure you my love, I hold the decision to my own confusion. They say life is a game made up of the choices we make. We become lonely and sad because we choose to be. We become happy and fun because we decided to be. We don’t have time because we don’t make time. It all falls down to us then again.
So whenever you’re sad… whenever you feel like I’m not around. I want you to know that you don’t have to feel so bad. Cheer up! I’ve got your back! Happiness is not found within you but within others as well. The more you try to find it in you, the more you’ll end up disappointed. Find joy in the happiness of others my love. With that you’ll find satisfaction and content with this borrowed time of ours. Accept things as they are and you’ll realize that you have all you need.
As for love… do not awaken it until it so desires my beloved. Stay still and let it come when the time is right.
I apologize for your loss my dear. We’ve been truly living in this borrowed time.
Remember that time at the pub? You sweetly whispered into my ear begging me to take you to that beautiful paradise. How could I refuse? Your sweet kissable lips touching my ears. Your soft angelic voice. The tender touch of your hand to mine. The aroma of your delicate scent. The curls on your wavy hair.
My dear… your are my heaven on earth.
and I promise to take you here… a place better than that paradise I promised you. Some day… when the time is right.
She then opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She genuinely smiled as her gaze affixed towards the horizon.
She sat on the sand, took out a stick and drew a circle around her. She took out a black book and started chanting words no one understands. The heavens opened up and a flash of lightning cracked through the sky. A roar of thunder followed, then the voices in her seemed to have disappeared.
“My love”, She said, “Let me be the one to bring you back to our earthly heaven.”
I have been living in misery after all these years. Not knowing when or what is causing such troubles of mine.
I feel so much hatred and rage in me towards people who fucked my entire high school life. Though I do admit, that was partly my fault, but couldn’t forgiveness be given? Couldn’t people understand? Well the fact is no! Most people are subjected to their own personal opinions and could be very close minded about it.
I am not just talking about anybody here, I am talking about those shithead co-LCs of mine. They call themselves christians for what? Show-off? Such retarded fucks! They should’ve known better since they were linked to the faith for quite some time. Well compared to my experience of the faith, they were expected to be WAY more mature! Now look at them now. With all the wealth that they have, corrupted by worldly pleasures. I say FUCK THEM ALL!!!
I couldn’t help but feel enraged and angered for what they did to me! I curse them with all my heart. But is that the right thing to do? Does it make me the better man?
Lets face it man… We all do experience the same shit. Wanting people’s attention for glory and fame. We all want to be loved and appreciated. And when hurt, sometimes we couldn’t help but fall for anger.
I realized after we went to that outing that I am leashed to the pains of the past during high school. That is the reason why I couldn’t speak much or talk about anything with them; and to think I expected them to be my brothers. They turned out to be my most hated enemy.
I hope they all rot in hell for what they do! They’re no Christian! They’re fags! nothing but wretched fucked up retarded assholes for all I care?!
You want me to name these devils? well sure! they could sue me for all I care but this is freedom of speech man! Fuck that shit!
First is Joeven, now I really hate this retarded rich fag. The so-called “leader” of my highschool batch who are full of retarded sheep freaks who follows him blindly. Don’t get me wrong, not all are retarded. But majority are, especially those who are so in-linked with him. Lucifer reborn chinese fuck! FUCK YOU!
Next is Eugene. Yeah Eugene Mr TC. Some cheap retarded fucked up bastard who bullies me like hell. Well lemme tell him one thing if ever he gets to read this shit. FUCK YOU!!! Think you’re the ladies man huh? Well GO TO HELL YOU RETARDED FUCK!
Duane, ah duane! I really admire how shitty you could be covering up your little shit. YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT YOU KNOW THAT?! YOU LYING SON-OF-A-BITCH!!! Wanna sue me you cheap-ass christian? FUCK YOU!
Here comes Ian, ahh. Some numb-nut chinese fucktard who feels so great about himself. Well you know man? If ever you get to read this… I sincerely would like to extend my sincerest rage and anger to you. so FUCK YOU TOO!!!
Rot in hell you piece of trash!
Well there you have it… Felt better y’know! FUCK YOU JOEVEN! FUCK YOU DUANE! FUCK YOU EUGENE!! and FUCK YOU IAN!!!
I just wish there’ a special place in hell for you guys where you get some serious ass fucking! oh, still think you’re going to heaven huh? Well fuck that retards! Quit believing in your little fantasy coz you ain’t going there! Knowing how shitty you guys are? I don’t think heavens gates will open up for you you retarded assholes! FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Call me weak, call me little faith, I don’t care! There are some questions in my head that I wish to be answered. Questions the way a little child would ask his or her parents. Questions the way an apprentice would ask a master. It may be annoying at some point but I’ll do anything to get the answers I seek especially for the clarity and strengthening of my own beliefs.
It’s been a while since I’ve fed myself spiritually and i could feel myself starving. I’ve got questions stocked up inside of me waiting to come out. Too bad there’s only a few people I get to talk to about it now since most of those who knows are either out of my reach or too busy. But anyhow, I’ve got some of my questions answered today… Thank God for Joshua! One of my best buddies!
Sources for spiritual growth
Have you ever felt feeling so bad? Shit sucks like hell, yeah I know. Unfortunately for me, I’ve screwed up a lot in life. Sometimes I even wonder where the fuck am I going? Have you tried feeling lost? Alone? Angered? Enraged? Hated? Well fuck it! I have! And damn have I been feeling this way the whole fuckin day!
I seem to feel like I’m burning every bridges I have with the people around me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?! From friends, to family, to everything dear, it’s all I can do, screw things up. I even wonder if ever there’s a job where you get to screw up a lot coz I bet I’d over qualify in that field. Hmm, okay, so where do I start? Oh yes! First! I can’t get my thoughts right. I think of something then I tend to think of another then another then the next thing I know, my mind’s all over the place. Can’t seem to make up my mind whether I would wanna do arts, music or something else… one perfect recipe for being a screw up. I CAN”T FUCKIN FOCUS!!!
Second shitty thing about me is that, I lack confidence. Confidence to do things right. I remember myself being the accomplished being that used to be. Where the hell is that guy?! Ever since I came into high school, I lost him. What did high school do to me that ruined me? And to think that I went to a God damn christian school?
Would you wanna know? Well, my first year in high school was great. I was still one of the smartest dudes in my batch back then. Yet looking at it now, I noticed how i dwindled in time. It started at 2nd year, when I became so affectionate of someone else. I grew too damn cocky that I thought it’ll impress her, but boy was I that dumb. Stupid! Dickhead! You name it! Looking at myself then got me doing a facepalm while typing here.
Although, you know… this was the year when I met a girl from the internet whom til now is one of my closest and dearest friends, Camille. Please don’t get me wrong… I met her through friendster while searching for anime fans who I was hoping I could relate to. Surely was glad I did stumble across her…
Third year high was one of the sweetest slash gloomiest years in my life. I was like a ghost back then and the only person who cared where a few people and Jenny, my first girl friend. I mean, I looked like shit back then. A sad sack, ugly motherfucker but she never cared about what I look like, or how I acted. She accepted me the way I am even if I was an asshole. I swear she was one of those back then that made me feel heavenly after school. School was so much hell! I wasn’t even invited during the burial of one friend of mine when she died. How’d you feel if you were in my place? How’d you react? I did cry you know. Seriously, I did. She was one of those who saw me cry. I never wanted anybody to see me cry coz I seriously look like shit when I do. Crying was something I hide from people and hiding is something I am pretty good at. Damn!
Fourth year was the year I struggled to turn everything around. I pretended, something I’m good at again, to look as if I’ve changed. As if I became more out going. People started to recognize me more and everything was turning out well. Honestly, I do know that pretension is wrong, but don’t you know that pretending you are something else may help you keep it as a habit. In short, pretending I’m more out going and lively helped me become out going and lively.
[stopped here when typing this, seriously… I easily feel tired which is one of the bad things about me… I’ll tell you about it as soon as I get back to writing this again… IF i ever get back to reediting this]
I was diggin up my old files in my pc and I found one folder I haven’t open in a long time. It was simply named “The Cult” after my affiliation with the said faction a long time ago (Don’t worry, I’m a changed person now). This used to have a lot of stuff in it which I deleted after the great “CHANGE” in my life. I only have some files kept for future reference and here is one of them…
The primary vibrations are 1 through 9, plus master vibrations of 11 and 22. Vibrations above 9 can be reduced to primary by adding the digits together. For example, 10, 19 and 28 are “1’s” because 1 + 0 = 1, 1 + 9 = 10 = 1 + 0 = 1, and 2 + 8 = 10 = 1 + 0 = 1.
The reduced vibrations are by nature general. The basic vibrations give ballpark information that can be helpful and is summarized by key words associated with each. You will notice that the characteristics associated with each vibration are both positive and negative, which illustrates my point about the general nature of reduced vibrations.
|1||Creativity, independence, originality, ego, self|
|2||Empathy, cooperation, consideration, over-sensitivity, co-dependence|
|3||Artistic expression, sociability, friendliness, superficiality, wastefulness|
|4||Practicality, application, loyalty, rigidity, repression|
|5||Freedom, adaptability, travel, inconsistency, abuse of senses|
|6||Love, responsibility, understanding, meddling, jealousy|
|7||Spirituality, mental analysis, wisdom, fault finding, suppression|
|8||Executive ability, management, power, materiality, unscrupulousness|
|9||Artistic genius, humanitarianism, romance, emotionalism, dissipation|
|11||Intuition, idealism, invention, insensitivity, fanaticism|
|22||Practical idealism, material mastery, get-rich-quick schemes, viciousness|
The 11 (K) and 22 (V) are master vibrations, and therefore are not reduced when doing chart calculations. When these vibrations are active in an individual’s life they can be reduced by the way that person lives them, and in such instances, they take on the negative aspects of the reduced vibration. Thus an individual can turn the imagination and inspiration of the 11 into the leaning, whining co-dependence of the negative 2, or the material mastery and world vision of the 22 into the stingy drudgery of the negative 4.