Imagination's the limit…

Posts tagged “love

Better Than 50 Shades of Grey

There she was, at the corner of my eyes as I entered that dark room. The seductress. What is it? Love? Lust? Desire? The burning passion that rushed through my veins. My heart was beating; fast. Craving for her seduction, her beauty, her touch.

The epitome of sin.

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“Sarah G Gibson”

She was right there in front of me, sitting under a beam of light. Her sleek, smooth curves, wrapped with tight leather. Etching every sweet spot of her body. Hmm… aroused me. The devil’s beauty as some call it. Would you even care? When a beautiful thing like that is right in front of you?

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She was calling for me. She wanted me…

I approached her. Caressed her from her neck down to her lower parts. She made no reaction. Lifeless. Never deterred me from trying harder.

I sat behind, slowly started unzipping her. Exposing the neck, I couldn’t help but start kissing her there. She started to feel that sensation, I can tell through those vibrations. Turned around to face me. Each time we touched felt euphoric.

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Submissive. My kind of girl. I carried on unzipping her, leaving her close to naked.  I tapped into her G-string, slowly sliding my finger down to the right spot. It aroused her. The more I did the more she makes that sort of sound that makes you crave for more.

I turned her on. She reciprocated. She strapped her arms around me. I played with her then. Toyed with her. My fingers were dancing across her G-spot. Then I played the lick on her. She craves for it most when I do a licking. She couldn’t help but make those aroused sounds that she usually does. She was enjoying it, I could tell. So did I.

It was time I shifted our ritual into overdrive. I made her bend over. Then I plugged it in her. The sensation was getting warmer. Love? Hell yeah! I twisted those little nobs of hers to get the right feel, arousing her more. She loved it!

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I rocked her through and fro, keeping a certain rhythm. I loved doing it standing behind her. It helps me keep the rhythm going. The excitement, the burning sensation. I pushed my stick deeper. She made this wailing sound of sweet satisfaction. I knew I hit the right spot.

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She wanted more! I had to give in. Stroking her the right way kept her excited. Alive. The beauty that she is. Her moaning was music to my ears. I shifted positions with her. We did it all over the room. Sitting. Standing. On the bed. It was heaven. A ka-metal-sutra.

I was sweating so much but I couldn’t stop. The euphoric feeling you get out of it was addictive. The connection we had was deep. We carried on until everything intensified. I gave it my all. My emotions. My desires. It went on and on and on until…

I gave in…

It was over…

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I was panting, sweaty… exhausted… I lay on the bed with sweat dripping all over me. She lay right beside me. I closed my eyes and everything went dark.

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I woke the following day, saw her right beside me. I looked at the label across her head quoting “Gibson SG.” 

I picked her up, unplugged the cables, turned the amp off, detuned her and placed her back into her case.

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Valkyrie – War Maidens Teaseract

It’s been 10 long years since the Dragonborn disappeared in the ashes of Helgen after a vicious attack from the Dragon Alduin. Bound for execution, she was believed to have died scorched by the inferno that raised the helpless town to the ground. Little be known that the flames could only do so little to kill her fiery spirit. As Dovakin, she rose from the ashes and with her, a new order, The Valkyries of Tamriel. 

EP 1 - War Maidens CoverOkay, so I must embarrassingly admit that it took me a year before I could post something up this Blogspace. *sigh* Been caught up with a lot of things lately. From working two jobs day and night, to working on my own personal business, not to mention playing the stock market… You could literally say I’ve been killing myself for the whole year. hahaha

Anyhow God’s been really great to me by far. Fixed some personal troubles from family, to finances, to broken relationships. He’s given me a second chance at life and it’s never been better!  I realized that it was my responsibility to mend the troubles going on around me. I was the missing key and the only reason these troubles were going on was because I turned my back on them. I usually run away from anything that bothers me. Yet through my experiences at work and business and avid gaming and bible reading, I realized you NEVER turn your back on your troubles. As matter in fact! You face them!

It sucks to realize that a little bit later in life but hey! It’s never too late! And with that… I can surely smell success close by… no kidding man! hahaha

As for love life? uhh… hmmm.. eeehhh… fine! It’s an embarrassing zero! Nil! Nada! Pffft! Naaah! Just kidding! I didn’t jump into one yet because I knew I’d be investing most of my time career-wise. It wouldn’t be fair for the lady if I wouldn’t make time for her whoever she is. I just believe she deserves to be treated right with the affection and care a woman normally needs.

Although I won’t deny I have my eyes bewitched by one gal and one gal only. Celia. Yeap, you heard me right. That time I decided to ask her out was the time I decided to shut my doors from anyone else and as the One-Woman guy that I am… here I am… Transfixed on a wishful dream. hahaha

Seriously man, I personally wanna build myself up to be the right man whether it be for her or whoever God has in store for me. I just want her to have the best of my y’know (shocks! so cheesy! hahaha). Yet since I am so entranced by her, that lead me into making one of this fictional stories that… as I said earlier, “a dream that only I know.” hahahaha poor me… hahaha

So now you know the story of what lead me into writing this fan-made non-canon story. I’ve been playing a lot of Skyrim during my free time so this idea came in. This one would be dedicated to her though (amazing what inspiration could do to you… ahhhhh <3_<3).

The story revolves around this girl named “Celina.” She is known to be the dragonborn or the dovakiin or in simpler terms, dragon whisperer. Experience adventure with her as she travels the province of Skyrim where she’d meet several other interesting characters who’d eventually form the Valkyrie Order. I won’t spoil you guys on her back story though. I’ll leave that for the comic strips to tell.

As for now… lemme just post some photos to tease you guys. :))

Comic TestThe story would be told in semi-comic strip style so expect lots of images on the “e-book.” (called it e-book because I couldn’t publish it as a real book… besides, this is all just for fun, non-profit stuff.)
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So that’s about it I could show you guys for now. hehe Now wait till the whole comic is done! *evil laugh* muhahahaha

Just kidding! I’ll be posting the whole comic here anyways so stay tune! 😉

PS – Credits for the cover photo goes to the respectful owner. Sorry I don’t know his/her name but if you find it in my blog and you know it’s yours! Credits goes to you mate! 🙂
All materials used belongs to Bethesda Studios as well. 🙂

EP 1 - War Maidens Cover

 


Leap of Faith

Have you ever made a decision in your life so critical? A decision that could mean the difference between failure and success? When your decision may potentially benefit you yet affect others in the process? When the result seems or feels unknown? I have… and let me tell you my story…

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“Marie… Marie dear…” Mrs Pots cried out from a distance.

It was a humid afternoon that day when Mrs Pots called out the most beautiful lady in town, well for me of course, to meet me. I’ve known her a few years ago. Long brown hair, slumber-some eyes, kissable lips, what’s not to like? We were young back then and it’s been a while since I’ve seen her. My heart was pounding, sweat was dripping and I think I was gonna get my trousers wet in sweet anticipation. Thank God I didn’t.

A few moments later she came out the door. That heavenly creature coming down the isle of the front yard. Time slowed.

I started to remember the years that has gone by. How it all started. The time when tenacity was painted across my face. The time when I was young and free. I was a bachelor without any direction but to live life as it is. Everyday was an adventure and the world was my playground, my struggle rather. The time when a demon called, “Poverty” possessed me.

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Everyday was hell. What? You thought being so carefree was heaven? You thought wandering off with no concerns was paradise? It is at some point. Until you realize you have needs. You have to eat, 3 times a day. Back then, I had to eat garbage. *sigh*

There was a time when I remembered feeling so hungry. So hungry indeed that I would eat almost anything. I remembered swimming in a pile of garbage searching for some food. I remembered begging people for food or money, only to receive their disdain. Such a resentful life I lived.

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A day came when I decided to do something about it. I was desperate! I needed something to fill my hunger quick! I saw a merchant passing by with goods on his wagon. I hopped in and took all the food my hands could grab. I filled my mouth with whatever I could bite. It was heaven! Food heaven rather!

“HEY! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY CART YOU LITTLE RUNT!”

I’ve been spotted. He knew I was inside the wagon and yelled out so loud that most of the townsfolk realized I was the culprit.

I ran. Ran for dear life. Fear yet satisfaction filled my thoughts. But I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t coz if I did, the townsfolk would beat me up.

I met a club to my face. Knocked me out unconscious. Next thing I know, I was on the ground receiving kicks and punches on all parts of my body. It hurts, but my disorientation took the best of me that I seem to no longer know pain. The feeling of certainty that death would take my breath away that day.

But what’s this? The brawl seemed to have stopped. I felt a warm embrace that covered me like a blanket. I tried to open my eyes yet I could only afford to open one. I saw a girl. As young as I was. Her face was close to mine as she held me tight. A day I would never forget.

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The authorities came and took me into prison. Prison bars held no sympathy for little boys like I was back then. But something changed. I felt hope. I look forward to the day I am gonna meet her again. That day when I get out of these chains.

I remembered those years I served in prison as a decade passed. I remember the time I was set free. How much has changed? I had no idea. Yet one thing was certain, I held on to that little hope I had. To that warm embrace. I had direction. I had a purpose.

Years gone by and I remembered being the wealthiest man in town. My wishes of seeing her again drove me to my limits. Something to live for everyday. Looking forward to the day that I see her again. People who used to spit at me now respect me. No longer was I chained under possession of a demon but guided by the blessings of an angel called “Wealth.”

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Luxury was in everything I do. From grand balls to elegant gatherings. I lived as a king. Yet what good is it for a man to gain the whole world when he loses his soul. My soul. That angel back then…

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In desperation I searched for her. I traveled vast and wide in search for her. Town after town, country after country only to search for my soul.

I seem to have lost all hope…

I remembered walking by the park in grief one fateful night. In constant battle against my thoughts. When I heard weeping by the park bench. A lady dressed in white was crying. I came to her side to weep with her. Sometimes… you don’t need to say anything to make someone feel better. It’s when you’re there with them feeling exactly the same way they feel that’ll make them feel right.

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She gave me a tight warm hug that night. I reciprocated. I knew it will make her feel better. Her weeping got her weary where she eventually fell asleep by my lap. Watching her innocently sleep was heavenly. I felt at peace. I fell. I fell for her that night.

“Hello Dear”

I snapped out of my thoughts. There I saw Marie standing before me. Her beauty was beyond compare.

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“Shall we go?” she exclaimed with excitement.

I lifted my arm in gesture for her to rest her arms on mine and we went off. After all that has happened. After all that I’ve gone through. Life has always been so beautiful. All you need is to take a little leap of faith…

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*at the garden*

“I always knew your were that girl back then.”

Marie looked at me bewildered.

“You protected me from those people.”

She suddenly felt breathless…

I fell on one knee.

“I’ve searched for you all this time.”

I had her crying…

“Will you marry me?”

It rained that night…

~love, John

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All credits given to the rightful owners of the images used in this write-up. Characters in this write-up are fictional. Images used in the write-up are to give a visual portrayal of the scenes.


Earthly Heaven

A gust of wind brushed through her hair as she walked by the shore line. With the ambient sound of the waves, she heard utmost silence. Magic filled the night sky as the eve went on. Nothing could compare to that ample time of solitude. She closed her eyes, chuckled and let out a breath of whisper, “I wish you were here.”
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I haven’t said much, nor do I have anything else to say. Random thoughts and words just come out to play. My feeble mind tells me things at random. I know it is somehow important to keep my thoughts intact, but I can’t seem to get my mind right and I wonder why.

Cross, yeah, that’s my name. Angel Cross it is. I’ve been wondering these city streets almost all my life now ever since I got here. I’ve seen much to the point where I could tell stories of such. Stories of life. Stories of death. Stories of joy. Stories of sorrow. Each and every person has a story to tell. Each person has their own share of grief and misery. Even happiness and excitement. I guess that’s what you call life. Beautiful, just like the city lights.

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Yet if there’s one thing I’ve realized, everything you do comes back to you. Everything around us is energy. An equal amount of negative and positive. Whatever you do unto others comes back to you.

Let me guess… You’ve heard of that crap already? Golden rule? Karma?

Some say it’s true, some say it’s bullshit. I say it’s both. Because the truth can also be full of shit some times. Although that my dearest, depends on how we view things in life. Some embrace the truth, others shun it. I hold a mixture of both.

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Why? You ask my love?

I prefer to see things in different perspectives. From what is good down to what went wrong. I want to hear both sides of the story. To know the truth from different points of view.

I understand your concern dear. Your care. Yet I assure you my love, I hold the decision to my own confusion. They say life is a game made up of the choices we make. We become lonely and sad because we choose to be. We become happy and fun because we decided to be. We don’t have time because we don’t make time. It all falls down to us then again.

So whenever you’re sad… whenever you feel like I’m not around. I want you to know that you don’t have to feel so bad. Cheer up! I’ve got your back! Happiness is not found within you but within others as well. The more you try to find it in you, the more you’ll end up disappointed. Find joy in the happiness of others my love. With that you’ll find satisfaction and content with this borrowed time of ours. Accept things as they are and you’ll realize that you have all you need.

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As for love… do not awaken it until it so desires my beloved. Stay still and let it come when the time is right.

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I apologize for your loss my dear. We’ve been truly living in this borrowed time.

Remember that time at the pub? You sweetly whispered into my ear begging me to take you to that beautiful paradise. How could I refuse? Your sweet kissable lips touching my ears. Your soft angelic voice. The tender touch of your hand to mine. The aroma of your delicate scent. The curls on your wavy hair.

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My dear… your are my heaven on earth.

and I promise to take you here… a place better than that paradise I promised you. Some day… when the time is right.

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She then opened her eyes and took a deep breath. She genuinely smiled as her gaze affixed towards the horizon. 

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 She sat on the sand, took out a stick and drew a circle around her. She took out a black book and started chanting words no one understands. The heavens opened up and a flash of lightning cracked through the sky. A roar of thunder followed, then the voices in her seemed to have disappeared. 

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“My love”, She said, “Let me be the one to bring you back to our earthly heaven.”

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~FiN~


Aside

Conscience

Life… no body can teach you how to live it. Sometimes, you just have to figure things out on your own. And as I constantly struggle to battle the inner demons within me, things just had to get worse. Edward’s the lost soul now… No wonder I hate it when people call me Edward.

Things aren’t going easy for John. Sleepless nights, breathless days and the feeling of being punched right through the gut gets the best of him. It’s torture in all aspects of the universe. Lost some of his friends, his girl, and hopefully not his life. The strong urge of getting himself killed always gets to him. Thank heavens he gets himself busy and occupied to do things. Yet either ways… things don’t seem to help.

“Why does it still hurt?” he asks…

“I’m happy to know that she’s happy… but if I really am… the why do I feel being crunched up inside.”

“It’s all in the mind” I told him, “It’s all in your thoughts”

Yet despite the futile attempt to comfort the saddened young man, I can see what’s going on in him. He sweats heavily, you could hear his chest pounding when you’re near him, you can really tell that he’s broken.

If there’s any way I could help this young man I would… But what is the cure? Love? Where the hell could I get that? He doesn’t seem to want to get a new girl right now. Nor does he intend on making out with another babe. Yet somehow, I have to agree with him. Doing those things will only hurt him more.

The dissatisfaction he had with his past relationship, the hurts and pains, may only be passed on to the new girl. It wouldn’t be fair for her.

There’s only two ways  to fix these sort of problems though.

1 is to get back with his ex and get things fixed together.

– it helps create a stronger relationship between them. To get them to know each other even better and to help each other grow.

2 is to heal themselves individually

– this is the most practical way to approach things. For both of them to heal as individuals. Healing is one way of rejuvenating the spirit. Whenever they’re both ready, they could both fall in love with each other again, or simply find new love with at least knowing that they now have something to give to the next person.

Either ways, I’m still trying to find the best solution to make John feel better. He was suffering this year which totally affected everyone around him and yet this one came. It only devastated him all the more.

“John… How can I help you mend?” I earnestly ask…

“I just wish to have things better for the both of us.” He said

Now I know he sounds pretty pathetic no matter how you see it. Yet I totally understand how he feels. The fact alone that he was the one who was at the breaking end of the break up. He received the punch to the gut and believe me, it isn’t a pretty feeling to be there. This will really take time for him to get over things even if he tries to divert his mind off these…

But if you were to ask me. This guy’s going psycho. That’s why I wish to help him anyway I can. There’s still the “good guy John” inside him waiting to come out. It’s only a matter of tapping the right buttons to let him be that guy again.

“I feel guilty… I feel like I have wronged her so much…” He says.

“Well John, have you asked for her forgiveness?”

“Yes I tried… But she seems to be bitter towards me…”

“Then you did your part well… You admitted your own mistake and now know what to fix in your life.”

“But it feels really bad to have someone bitter towards you…”

“That my friend, is up to her if she could forgive you. As long as you know you were wrong, and that you’re willing to challenge yourself to become Mister Right again. You are on the right track. Women need time to heal.”

“But she says that she’s okay now.”

“Being bitter towards someone is never okay. It leads to ignoring and cutting communication from you and that only means that she still isn’t ready to forgive you. You stood up doing the right thing and apologizing and I believe that is enough.”

“I still love her you know…”

“We all love each other my friend… but you’ll have to learn to love yourself first and to embody that love to others who may need it as well. Your remaining friends, family and everybody around you. They need it man. Trust me.”

“I’ll try…”

“Trying is the least for of commitment my friend, learn to say the words whatever it takes. It means never giving up until you get what you vowed for.”

[silence]

I continued…

“Cyra is a chapter in your life man… She’s the angel you thought you had until you lost her. I know it sucks with utmost shittyness… But that’s how it rolls brother. You’ve lost yourself and I believe all she wanted is for you to find yourself again. Be the great guy you once were John. She’s not the the end but the beginning of a better you. Don’t forget to thank her along the way. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, when someone throws rocks or dirt at you, you give back bread. Stay in the right. Man up and take up the golden sword this time around”

The young man then nodded in approval. Somehow I saw his spirit lifted up, though I know his grief still chains him to the core. Yet some day… I know all these will pass and he’ll be the great man I once knew. Right now he may try to fake things. To cover up whatever it is he hides. But later on… things will rise to the surface, and that’s something I’ve learned through his experience.
I wish to encourage the young man to be honest with what he feels rather than worry about being how pathetic he sounds. If it helps heal him. Then I don’t give a damn about it.

~Truly yours…
Conscience


Cyra (Part 1)

And so she said goodbye… the phone went silent… and I was left alone in my dark room again. The cold night embraced me with its freezing arms as I tried to slumber away to my dreams. The thought of not seeing her, the thought of my own faults and guilt haunts me and I can’t sleep, unable to forgive myself for the pain I have brought upon her. It is gonna be a long long week…

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“Good morning!” I greeted her through a text that Sunday morning. There was no reply. I didn’t bother though coz I knew she may be still in bed resting. “Was I just too stubborn for her? For wanting to see her yesterday?” I thought to myself. Things were getting pretty tough for me the past week. I just wanted my life to end back then. I felt like I’ve got no purpose, no life, no soul.

I didn’t want to think of it. It’ll set me out of focus. Hurt me. Kill me inside. Besides, I was going to church that morning. I needed to be in tip-top shape for the Lord. To be spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically present for Him. It was the only thing I could offer right now.

The youth fellowship gathering followed after the service. Our youth leader who happens to be one of my good friends now noticed my exhausted look and approached me. She was about my height with heels, about a year older than me, round brown eyes, straight dark brown hair and sleek poise. “Hey Edd! Why so gloomy?” She asked

“Hey Apple…” I replied sounding like the annoying orange… well I did sound more like the gloomy orange than the annoying one. Then I continued… “Well… remember when I told you about her?”

“Yeah?” she replied with concern… A praise marathon was held last Friday and she was the one who invite me in it. I went along just to take my mind off of things and so I told her along with another girl named Hannah all my hurts. Besides, she insisted that I tell her anyway…

“Well… It’s about that girl that I care about… ” I gave it a sigh then continued. “I tried to meet her yesterday to talk to her about how to go on peaceful terms between the both of us where I wouldn’t have to annoy her much and where I wouldn’t be hurting anymore.”

And so I went on explaining what happened…

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It was Saturday and Cyra was at school for her thesis defense. I asked her to tell me if she was done so I may fetch her after school. It was because I wanted to talk to her about what I had in mind. To make it easy for the both of us at least. With all the fuzz that’s going on between us, I knew it was right to settle things right. Her class ended, and so I left home to fetch her. I came to school and waited for her outside.

I’m outside school… Be waiting for ya 🙂

I texted…

My phone’s text alert suddenly beeped as my phone vibrated inside my pocket.

We left already Edd… Sorry… 😦

It struck me. So I called…

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The phone rang… a few long ringing over the line felt like forever. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, my head ached. I was going through so much to think straight but I gave her my word.

“Hello?” a sweet angelic voice answered over the other line.

I felt euphoric for a couple of minutes. My heart beat raised. I felt soft. Melted. Serene.

I was speechless for a while there. Then I replied. “Hi! were are you guys? I thought I’ll be fetching you?”

“We’re headed to Ayala now, Kev’s gonna drop us off there.”

“Alright, I’ll go to Ayala to meet up with you. See yah and Take care!”

I sensed her hesitance for me to come. But I was determined. I wanted to speak with her. To talk to her. At least to spend just a few moments of time with her. So I went on my way to Ayala.

As I came to the Mall. My friend Kevin sent me a text message

Edd… I dropped them off in Ayala Mall now…

I replied to thank him. Then I text Cyra where she was by then. She said they were in Gerry’s Grill. And so I went.

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I knew I was gonna get a sucker punch through the heart if I went on but I didn’t mind. I wanted to see her so badly, and to make things right. To tell her what I had in mind but then when we met. She was with my two other pals eating dinner. I was hesitant to approach but I was there anyway and so I went on. What else could I possibly do? I couldn’t turn back! No! I wanted to see her so badly at least to talk to her. So I approached.

“Hi” I said with an awkward hand wave

“I thought you went on home?” she replied she stood up and guided me to a corner for us to talk.

“So what is it you wanted to talk about?”

I saw that she was enjoying her time with friends and my intervention was pestering her. My head ached, I was sweating, my eyes were heavy, my tears were about to fall but I held it all in.

“It’s nothing… I want to talk to you about it if you have the time.”

“Alright… so… where’ll you go now?”

I don’t know what went into my mind…

I just said “Probably be on my way home…”

and so she went back to her friends and left me in tears. I wanted to talk to her. What are you doing stupid?! Text Her! But… Text Her!!!

and so I sent a text. Cy… I really wish to take you home… Please let me? I’ll wait…

silence…

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Though it felt like silence to my ears… I could hear nothing but the pounding of my heart and the blood rushing to my head. The tear drops that fell from my eyes that night were somewhat audible to me. Those little details was all I could hear that night.

Then my phone beeped.

I’m sorry Edd… I wish to be alone right now… I hope you understand…

Alright Cyra… I understand… Anything for you…

I slid my phone back to my pocket as I went on crying. It’s not likely for men to cry, but I didn’t care if I looked ridiculous. It felt better inside. But the hurt was eating me alive. It was burning me. I felt cold and dead. Alone and afraid.

I took my phone out… and text her.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you ssssssssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

T____________________________T </3

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The crushing feeling of emptiness and heart break consumed me. I lay down in the ledge of the park’s fountain breathless. People were staring at me thinking that I must have gone insane. I have! I can’t breathe. Someone offered to bring me to the hospital but I wanted to be left alone. Then suddenly, my phone rang. It was James, my classmate/office-mate.

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Hey Edd, RR’s celebrating his birthday today… come to moon cafe… 

I wiped the tears off my cheeks and cleared my throat. I tried to regain my poise and look descent at least.

The celebration was fun at least. I remembered what Cyra told me. About enjoying my personal space for the mean time. As a matter in fact, I did that night. We went on to eat ice cream and watch a movie. And all the hurt I felt was just simply washed away in a snap. It’s really amazing how God could send angels your way especially when He knows you need it the most. Everything just lightened up and felt peaceful again. My head still hurt but my heart wasn’t pounding anymore.

As I was on my way home… I texted Cyra…

Cy…

Ed… she replied.

How are you? 🙂 

I’m fine. I had fun with friends earlier. How bout you? I’m sorry bout earlier by the way. I hope you understand.

I’m so glad you had fun Cyra… It really makes me happy to know that… by the way about earlier… it’s fine… I totally understand… The pain went away when you said you had fun.

It really did…

You know… I don’t wanna be mean to you or hurt you Edd… but I want us to have our own personal space. What you’re doing is pushing me away instead of winning me back.

Well Cy… That’s what I actually wanted to talk to you about… I wanted to explain things and settle things right. To be frank, you’ve said exactly the same words I wanted to tell you. You just didn’t give me the chance to.

Honestly… You were really brutal earlier… ~I texted

That’s why I’m saying sorry coz I know I was just too harsh. I was trying to call you when I got home but I couldn’t reach you.

It’s fine Cy… I totally understand. So cheer up k? 🙂 By the way… I was in the movie house earlier and I guess there was just no signal there. May I call you when I get home then?

Yes, sure! What movie did you watch by the way? Who were you with?

I felt a sense of her care… of her love. I know I’m still inside her heart somewhere. I just need to let her feel it again. Not as a painful memory, but as something that may help her mend. That’s the reason why I wanted to talk to her. To listen to her more. To let her express what she deeply feels inside. What she’s going through. We had that in our relationship before. But we lost it when we lost time for each other. Yet the bigger fault falls on me. For taking her for granted. I couldn’t forgive myself for it. I hate myself for it. But there’s no point. I’ve lost her. Self pity won’t help me this time. I’d rather focus on winning her heart back rather than staying in the shadows crying. And so I replied…

I’ll tell you everything when I get to call you later… 🙂

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“Hello Cy” I uttered as I called her

“Hello Edd” She replied “I’m sorry about earlier… I hope you’d understand…”

“It’s alright Cyra… I understand… If this is the best way to show you that I love you then I’d gladly give you your personal space.”

“I don’t know how could I ever take such a beating from you Cy… I don’t know if ever other guys could do the same. I’m still holding on to you and I’m never giving up in winning your heart. I meant it when I said I love you always and I swear I still do.”

~silence~

“But Cy… You said you wanted us to be friends for the time being… yet honestly I feel like trash through the way you reply to me.”

“It’s actually how I really reply to people. Probably you aren’t just used to me not being sweet to you and all. Besides, I text you if I am not busy.” she uttered.

“Well yes… but come to look at it. Whenever I text you, you usually don’t reply anymore and I always wait for your reply. It leaves me hanging whenever you don’t reply back. You could’ve at least just told me that you’ll do something, or that you’re busy or something. It would have been easier for me to understand”

~Silence

“Well this is what I also wanted to talk to you about earlier Cy. Its about giving you the space you need. Why don’t we just settle for at least a day where we could just fully text and talk to each other? 🙂 And since you’re the lady… you get to pick the day. :D”

“Sunday would be great!” ~she replied in agreement.

“Alright… Sunday it is then… so for the rest of the week… you wouldn’t be hearing from me… ” i responded to seal the deal.

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“Well you could always text me anytime if you need me.” she said.

“That’d be great Cy… Thank you! Please don’t hesitate to do the same if you need me too k? I’ll be here waiting on you ready to come if you need me.”

“Okay Edd… Thank you too… I will…”

We then talked that night about the movie and how things had gone that day… I was in cloud 9 that night. Hearing her voice again. Her sweet giggles. Imagining her was just heavenly for me. As her voice whispered to my ears through the phone speaker, I felt butterflies fluttering around my stomach. I felt at peace. Contented. In love. Unfortunately, time flies when you’re enjoying the moment. We had to say our good nights and good byes… I gave her an invisible kiss and I bet she doesn’t know. Then I ended by telling her that I love her still.

I lay in my bed that night with a smile and a light heart… thanking God for what a day I’ve been through… for Cyra and for knowing that…

At least the following day was a Sunday… 🙂

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[to be continued]


Surviving the day…

My little love story has ended… but are the curtains really closed? Is her heart closed? will she love me again? I am in hurt but not in doubt… I know she did this for a reason… out of love…

My dearest Angel Cyra… heaven sent and blessed me with… grows prettier each day. I couldn’t imagine her more blooming and enlightened this way. Y’know… this is why I still care… this why I still love… She’s an amazing woman… The best I’ve seen. Nothing can compare to the beauty she has in my eyes.

Life must have ups and downs. Twist and turns and a lot of drivel I suppose. But it’s getting back up that counts the most. It’s rising to your feet and looking back up again to get through the day that matters. Right now my heart still burns. I’m dying inside knowing she’s no longer by my side.  My little piece of heaven slowly fading away. Sometimes I pray to God to just rip these emotions apart coz it’s devastating me. Killing me inside.

It’s not easy y’know… to let someone go… especially the one you cared for so much. Sometimes I wonder if it was easy for her to let me go? Did she really mean everything she said to me? Every word? That’s the problem there… The person whom I’m asking trust from is also the person I don’t trust. Out of fear? Out of possible regret? Perhaps yes… These thoughts crossed my mind a lot. Acknowledging all these now is proof that I’ve learned with my mistakes.

I just hope I got the chance to settle it right with her. Back when we were one. Back when we had love. Back when she cared.

My insanity is getting the best of me. It’s through writing these things that helps keep me at bay. I pray that it doesn’t break me apart. I wasn’t joking when I said I’m considering suicide as an option.

But I mustn’t. It wouldn’t prove anything. If I really love her… I should show her that I still do… That she deserves me again. How? Through little sweet things perhaps… through showing that I still care. Showing that I’m growing. How long would it take? That I have no answer to. Only God has. And it’ll be answered through her. Or through something else perhaps.

A very strong woman she really is. And I admire every single bit of her personality. Her sweet talking is the most captivating moment I could remember from her. I remember how cute she looks when she wants something from me. How cuddling she could be when she surprises you. The sweetness of her kiss when she opens the gate for me whenever I visit.

Aaah… I will get there again someday. Not with anyone else but her. Please Cyra… With all my heart, Will you have me back? Will you make me the luckiest guy again? who won your heart. I’m hanging on a thread here and yes I know it hurts. Besides, love and pain are two side of the same coin. These consequences were bestowed upon me ever since the first time I thought of courting her. I knew things like these would happen. But she’s for some reason… God-given.

My refusal to believe left me to this current state I am in. I didn’t want to believe in Him. That everything was in accordance to His own accord. It was my way, my life, my decisions, my own understandings and myself that mattered to me. How have I become like this? It’s not because of her… It’s because of me… I chose to lose Him.

Nobody was there to keep things from breaking apart. Truth be told, sometimes heaven just simply wants us to watch our own lives crumble to help us rebuild again. It is through death that we live again. It is through break-ups that I can court her again. Really amazing discovery and insights there. Especially now that everything’s making sense.

Cyra does love me. She said it herself. As a friend? I think no… I’m positive I’m still alive in her heart. She’s making the biggest sacrifice to build me up again. Coz she loves me. She wants me to grow.

How I wish breaking-up didn’t have to be the answer. But sometimes pain is a good teacher. And she used it well to teach me this. And now that I’ve learned. I shall apply it in winning her heart back.

Why can’t I? I’ve got nothing to lose again. I have nothing on my hands this time around.

Cyra… my dearest Cyra… I will win your heart. I’ll be your champion. I’ll be your companion, your sir, your knight.

My chivalry died when I lost my faith. The way a crusader dies in battle without the cross. Spirituality is everything to me. Knowing that God lives is the reason I exist. Apart from Him I am nothing. OF COURSE!!! How the hell could I love her if I lost Him? It was Him who taught me to love her in the first place. That’s why everything fell apart. No one was there to keep us in tact.

You know… I’ve learned to value the limited time I have to communicate with her now. Just a few texts for a couple of minutes feels like having butterflies in my stomach all over again. Waiting for her reply makes me a puppy waiting for a chew-bone. It tickles me whenever I hear my phone’s text alert, knowing that the incoming message is from her. Its courtship all over again. Awwwe. Yes I will look my best. Yes I will woo her. Yes I’ll give her the sweetest talks I could give just to have her. Only this time, once I got her heart again, consistency’s a must now. I want her to fall in love over and over again with me and I in her. Every single day. Oh how much I loved those days when I still knew how to love her. Everyday was just like heavenly and serene to me. Amazing is it not? How one person changes your life? The realization that God is most important in my relationship opened my eyes to see what has gone wrong.

Cyra’s one of a kind type of girl. Irreplaceable. Incomparable.  And boy was I mistaken when I thought she’s easy to get. She’s one hell of a catch. A rare find. Priceless. God knew how to fix me and He used her to do it.

My heart melts away knowing how much of a blessing she really is in my life. I know this next time of mine may come… and when that time comes, I know what to do. I know where to go. I know how to handle it better now.

All these reflections make me better. Wiser. A changed person. Now all I need is the proof to show her how much I could change just to win her again. Less talk more action this time. To prove to her she means a lot to me.

I remember telling her that I am more inspired when I am broken. For some reason, its just half true now. Now that I am back to Him. I find joy in every single thing I do. I find joy knowing she’s happy. I find joy in giving. I find joy in life. Sorrow, grief, anger, worries, sadness, hate, resent, rage just simply got washed away overnight. This is why I love God. After all the things I’ve said against Him. Spat at Him. Hated Him. Cursed Him. Defiled Him. He came back to save me. He got me up on my feet.

This amazing experience is something I wish to share to her. I… I just wanted so much to share such positive energy that I have to her. It’s always been that way back then. Anything I know, I did, and want to do… I share it with her. She knew me a lot. Maybe the reason this happened. I didn’t regret it.

Cyra… remember that time when I told you to tell me if I’m going out of my way? If I’m drifting apart? I understand now that this is your way of doing it. THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH DEAR! This time love… If ever I get you back… I won’t hold you back anymore… I’ll support you and cheer for you the same way you did for me… :’) 

See how lucky I am? See now why she’s God-given? Why she’s irreplaceable? Why she’s amazing? Why I’ve deeply fallen for her? She’s my life partner… My best buddy… My love…

The complete package!

All the more reason why I shouldn’t give up winning her back!

I have hope… I have love… I’ll be patient… I’ll persevere…

for her…

Not on my own… Not alone…

But through the Almighty…

I love you Cyra! 🙂 Thank you! 😀